My Grandma died today

I'm obsessing over the headline as it isn't feeling creative, emotional or gripping enough. I guess I'll stick with simple and to-the-point.

This morning, I was on my way to visit my ailing Grandma when I received the call that she just passed away an hour earlier. I kicked myself for sleeping in and enjoying that morning cup of coffee. In addition to that, I knew the Hospice workers predicted she would most likely be gone by yesterday. And yet, yesterday, I could not bring myself to go visit. I helped the Alzheimer's Association prepare for the upcoming Memories in the Making event and I even went for a hike. On the way home from that hike, I kept saying to myself "you should go", "you should go", "you should go". But I didn't.

And so today, when I got the call, my car was already headed in that direction so I kept on going. It wasn't that I wanted to see her in that state but I felt I needed to even though I couldn't explain why.

Arriving at the care facility, I knew my Aunt and Uncle were already there. I took a deep breath and I entered her room. Even though I had seen her two weeks earlier, I barely recognized her. She was so frail, so thin. She reminded me of an Auschwitz survivor.

Hospice workers were there, they wanted to know if any other family members would want to see her before they took her. It sounded like a cruel joke but I knew it wasn't. I called my brothers to ask the question. Neither wanted to view her, and I can't blame them.

But I sat there, with my Aunt and Uncle for over three hours while my Grandma lay on the bed at my knees.

But I feel so guilty. She's lived here for four years and I've only visited a handful of times. I've volunteered my time for strangers the past four years, but I wish I would have woven in more time for my own family. I know she must have been so lonely.

The past few months she was in a steady decline. The impact from smoking cigarettes for 50 years caught up to her. She had COPD which made it difficult to breath and she lost circulation in one of her legs which brought on gangrene. As a result, she was on a solid morphine diet the last couple of months.

Now, her suffering is over. She lived a long 96 1/2 years. And while I was never very close to her, she was my family. I love her and I will most definitely miss her.